My mind is disconnected but my heart feels wild

I read about a writer’s silence recently. Omar J. Sakr describes his keystrokes as the only noise in the room. But honestly, that’s on a good day. I really identify with waiting for the submissions to be rejected. There’s a lot of waiting.

But that’s nothing compared to the feeling of being alone.

I spent six hours working on IT problems recently. In my home office. Crying mostly. And the people at the other end of the support window were most helpful but they didn’t have a smile or a touch of camaraderie. Well, they work in IT I guess. It was at that moment I realised how much I didn’t know. And sometimes that feeling of being small in the universe and your brain getting physically larger is a good thing. This wasn’t one of those times.

It’s more than boring old IT problems though. I feel alone. I crave conversation but it’s too direct when it happens. I’m not sure I have anything to talk about. I spent six hours on IT to get this site to work, to get my email address to work. Who cares about my boring, lonely, tearful IT issues?

This time last month I was in love with my job. I was free and the world was my oyster. The Universe wanted me to be successful. Yes, I thought of The Universe as believing in me. Nothing has changed. I just feel alone. The Universe and I aren’t talking. And if we did it would be too noisy. That’s a side effect of spending too much time alone. Can’t we just sit together and not say a word?

So here I am. In the cold embrace of the internet, and with you my friend. And I want to extend my hand to you. I don’t want you to feel alone. Here is a list of things to do when shit gets real because the internet demands it:

  1. Go outside. Look up. Or look down.

Stop. Look. Smell. See that bright flower? I wonder what it would taste like? Why are there leaves stuck to the asphalt and what happens to them? Why aren’t there more leaves stuck to asphalt? If the sky was a texture what would it be? Use your senses.

2. Compliment someone

Be genuine though. Don’t try to grab boob. Don’t do it from a moving vehicle. Honestly.

3. Smile. Just so you remember how

Not just with your face. With your eyes and your soul too.

3. Spend time with a small child or an animal

And consider the world from their view. This house is huge. And full of food.

Oh. Welcome to my new site! Do you like it? It’s no big deal.

More about Rachel Watts

6 Comments

    1. Hello my darling. I’m so proud of you. Perusing a dream is so brave. There are so many threats to self when we put it on the line. Be strong, be focused and know you are right. Xx

      1. Aw, thank you. It is scary, and more challenging than I expected, but I don’t regret it for a moment.
        Thank you for dropping by to leave such a lovely note xx

    1. This is my kinda blog post. Straight from the heart. Everyone has doubts and moments of intense aloneness. Sometimes that aloneness is sad, sometimes it is welcome. As a writer I experienced both consistently. Congrats on the new site. It looks like you’re hosting yourself, and that involves learning a lot of technical things. Embrace your knowledge gap. Don’t let it overwhelm you.

      1. Welcome Rebecca and thanks for your encouraging comment.
        I am learning a lot of things self-hosting – not least of which how much I need to learn! It’s good though, you’re right I need to embrace it.

    1. Such a beautiful post just from a few words.
      I used to work in an IT company before, and I know what you mean. Also, I’m the only single woman among my colleagues. Two of them were my boss. So, it’s still different.
      Months later, they hired another woman whom luckily I get along with.
      Hopefully, you find a friend or at least who can help with the loneliness once in a while.
      Then again, I agree with your list.

      1. Thank you, this was a raw post to write but I’m comforted by the people who know what I’m talking about!

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